(Non-Travel Day)

9:00am -- Hotel Housekeeping knocks on the door, despite the "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on the doorknob. After dealing with them, I go back to sleep a few minutes later.
11:00am -- Alarm on portable clock goes off, still set from some other day. I turn it off and go back to sleep.
12:00pm -- I wake up and try to remember what city I'm in. Looking around the hotel room doesn't help, since it looks exactly like the inside of every hotel room I've ever been in before.
12:05pm -- Realizing what city I'm in, I seriously contemplate going back to sleep for another hour or two.
12:10pm -- I get out of bed and immediately turn on my laptop computer. While it is loading up, I make breakfast (usually a protein shake) and coffee.
12:20pm -- I check emails to see if there are any responses from late-night emails I sent to agents and managers the night before. I shake my head in disbelief at the fact that I have an average of 3 emails from people in my industry, and 237 emails from porno sites, investment bankers, itunes, mortgage companies, and people trying to hit me with a Nigerian banking scam.
12:30 -- I seriously consider going back to bed, but watch TV for a while instead, convincing myself that I'm doing "research" for my act, even though I'm only watching "Frasier" reruns.
1:00pm -- I go online and surf the internet, once again deciding that it's "research".
1:30pm -- A comedian buddy of mine calls to tell me the latest urban legend within our industry that turns out to be a story from years ago that never really happened.
2:00pm -- I make phone calls to at least 12 booking agents, club managers, and random people who might be able to help me get work or in any way help my career.
3:00pm -- Call the bank and convince them that I actually exist, and that the lack of activity in my account is not because I'm a complete failure.
3:20pm -- I Look at recent Sales Figures for my book on amazon.com.
3:25pm -- I call the bank back and tell them I was likely wrong.
3:25pm -- I make phone calls to the same 12 people I called before, this time hoping they actually answer the phone. Hopefully, I books some future dates on the road.
4:00pm -- I have a small lunch and answer emails from fans, friends, and anyone who is not Spam. I also send emails to comedian buddies of mine, hoping for references to clubs I'm not working, and to the 12 people I called today and, hopefully, spoke with. Sometimes I pay bills online.
4:50pm -- If I paid bills online, I go through my budget. Sometimes I make appointments to sell my plasma in town.
5:00pm -- I exercise. This is really important and I try not to skip it, if I can help it. If I had to pay bills earlier, I lift weights to relieve the agression and anxiety. If I spoke with agents or managers, I do cardio to help clear my head and run away from reality as it comes screaming up behind me.
6:30pm -- I shower and eat dinner.
7:15pm -- Read an email from my University's Alumni Association and laugh myself silly when I'm asked to make a donation.
7:30pm -- Check email again quickly and head to the Comedy Club.
8:00pm -- Showtime. For a while, all is right in the world and I'm feeling okay.
10:30pm -- I sell merchandise (usually my CD and DVD) at the door to the club and meet with audience members after the show. I also joke around with the other comedians and suddenly feel as if life doesn't get much better than this moment. For a little while, I'm a celebrity, and feel like one.
11:00pm -- Have a few drinks at the Comedy Club bar. Women comment on how I probably get laid all the time, then leave with their boyfriends. A few single guys hang around for a while and drink with me. They high-five me and tell me aout how I probably get laid all the time. I don't comment on how I'm sitting in a bar with a bunch of guys and, in fact, not getting laid.
12:00am -- I eat something small, then go back to the hotel alone and check my email.
12:15am -- I send out emails to booking agents and managers and anyone else that pops into my head, especially if I'm trying to fill-in last minute holes in my schedule. Hopefully, there will be responses waiting for me when I wake up the following day.
12:45am -- I write press releases that are emailed to dozens of newspapers around the country, often specifically focusing on areas where I'll be heading in a few weeks. I also check my bank account(s) and make sure all of my credit card payments are scheduled on time. I make certain I do this at least 3 hours before I go to bed so that I don't wake up in the middle of the night, naked and in the street, screaming at cars that drive past.
1:30am -- I check my myspace page and wonder why I still have a myspace page.
1:35am -- I play Scrabble online with my girlfriend and shake my head in disbelief that online Scrabble refuses to admit that "schnarf" is a word.
1:50am -- I browse the internet randomly, reading about upcoming comic book movies. I also check comedian message boards to make certain all of the clubs I work are still in business. Then I check comedy club websites to see if they've updated their calendars with my information.
2:30am -- I write my blog and re-read things I've written the night before. I also work on one of the three books (or screenplays) that I've been writing, and finish working on whatever article I've been working on for random magazines. While this is going on, I half-assed watch "Without a Trace" or "Law and Order" reruns on TV. Sometimes, I'm lucky enough to catch a decent flick or show on cable.
4:00am -- Bedtime.
4:45am -- I get up to pee.
4:47am -- Bedtime.

(Travel Day)

6:00am -- I get up and load my things into my car.
6:30am -- I get in my car and drive to the city I'm performing in.
7:00pm -- I check in to the hotel and grab a quick shower.
8:00pm -- Showtime. All is right in the world.
11:00pm -- I eat, return to the hotel, send out emails, and read for a while.
12:30am -- I crash early, prepared for a Non-Travel Day to follow.
12:40am -- I get up to pee.

(Non-Travel Day -- Alternate Entry)

6:00am -- I wake up early in order to do AM radio interview.
6:30am -- I arrive at radio station and meet morning DJs during commercial break.
6:45am -- I attempt to be funny and spontaneous without simply repeating my stage act on the air.
10:00am -- Return to hotel and check email. I then attempt to get some sleep.
11:00am -- The coffee from the radio station wears off, and I sleep.
6:30pm -- I wake up, eat dinner, and shower.
8:00pm -- Showtime.

There you have it. The glamorous world that is my life has now been tossed out in front of you. I did, of course, leave out my typical Saturday which, usually involves going to the movies and fixing my craving for popcorn. I also left out my bathroom breaks (more reading time) and the fact that I masturbate...a lot. It's embarassing, really. Also, I spared you the details about the crazed fans who knock on my door every hour, demanding autographs and thread from my underwear.